Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest is one of those games that had thousands of freshly pubescent males absolutely freaking out in 1998, the year of its U.S. release.  And now it’s all ready for a fresh batch of fools to mentally destroy.  For those of you who have dared to journey back to the older Castlevania titles (pre-Symphony of the Night) you have an idea of how difficult these games are.  They required immense dexterity and timing.  These are not requirements for Castlevania 2.  No, Castlevania 2 requires the determination and patience of somebody who is trying to figure out a twenty digit alpha-numeric code through sheer trial and error.  Plus, you’ll need some luck and about a gallon of Red Bull.

     Staying up for three days straight is definitely a viable strategy here as to come back to this game after a long hiatus will leave you utterly perplexed.  After all, that is the way I did it back in ’88, when my friend received the cartridge for his birthday and we spent the next three days in a marathon slumber party going through this devious game.  If that doesn’t appeal to you then I suggest sketching out maps of the areas and writing down everything everyone says in the game.  Heck, do that anyways because this game is designed to confuse and frustrate you.  Especially considering a large number of things the townspeople scattered throughout the game say to you are useless and sometimes deliberately deceiving.  Although, oddly enough, in their deception lies truth.  If that sounds cryptic well that’s what this game’s in-game hint system is: cryptic.  Not to mention the fact that while you are busting your melon trying to figure out what in the hell you have to do next, the game’s night and day mechanics keep bursting in on your brainstorming sessions to thug you with undead hordes.

-Night time is scary

     The game keeps track of time and after every seven minutes or so, it changes from day to night or vice-versa.  At nighttime you can’t talk to anybody in the towns or enter any stores or churches to heal and the undead stalk the village streets bent on your demise.  Also, the monsters that litter the wilderness areas are much tougher.  The best tactic at night is to stand in one spot and beat off the hordes of undead that continuously rush you as in doing so you will gain experience and money to purchase items.  Is this game starting to sound like an RPG to you?  That’s because it is.  You level up just like in an RPG and purchase items of increasing power to aid you in your quest.  However the experience system is bizarre, and after leveling up to a certain degree, some area’s monsters no longer yield experience points.  You’ll have to purchase and find your arsenal of vampire killing tools.  These include the Belmont staples: whips, daggers, holy water etc.  Each weapon has different strengths and weaknesses against the games many foes.

     Monsters in Castlevania 2 are all types you’ve seen before, except for one of the bosses.  Which brings me to some odd characteristic of this otherwise difficult game: the bosses are all pathetic and easy to beat.  In fact, you won’t meet one until you are quite a ways into the game although when you do, you may squeal in delight as he is one of the franchise’s fan favorites: Death.  And then you’ll swear incredulously as you pound him to bone dust in seconds without losing a shred of life.  Even the mighty Dracula is a pushover.  Not even the fact that there are no healing points anywhere near (were talkin’ MILES away, folks) the bosses or the mansions they reside in can put a sharper edge on their blades.  But there are plenty of other things to bring you down.

     Tricky jumps, or even non-tricky ones just scattered about town, may put your ass in the grave if you aren’t paying attention.  And there’s a good chance you won’t be.  Yeah, you’ll be too busy thinking about a certain cliff face and wondering where to crouch and for how many seconds with what item equipped to get past it to notice you’re about to fall into a pool of water.  That’s the kind of crazy mind shredding puzzles I am talking about.  You don’t figure them out because you’re smart, or because you know logic, you figure them out because you’re lucky or you’ve simply tried everything.  These are puzzles where once you’ve solved them; you’ll be left clutching your final frayed shreds of sanity weeping because you know a whole bunch more of obscure, frustrating, mind thugs await you.  For even more fun, play it with a buddy.  Watch as, after about four hours in this dark world of obtuse logic, anything he says sends your fists flying into his face to pound out the frustration.  His suggestions will make your ears bleed just as this game’s puzzles makes your patience hemorrhage from your brain in a flood of madness.

     Does this game sound painful to you?  Does it sound like it might not be fun at all?  Does it sound like you’d rather fight a rabid pit bull while hungover than try and finish this game?  Are you scared?  Well, god damnit you SHOULD be!

     One thing that may help you overcome your fear is that the game was gorgeous for its day and the use of colors is astounding, even for an 8-bit system.  And the musical score is great, too.  Castlevania 2 bears one of gaming’s greatest masterpieces, the critically acclaimed track, Bloody Tears.  However, I’m not saying that even this beautiful song won’t sound like a Banshee’s scream after hearing it over and over while trying to figure out how to reach the next area of the game.

     In all honesty, I cannot recommend this title to anyone other than a hardcore Castlevania fan or somebody who wants to prove, through sheer agony, that they are part of the gaming elite.  However, casual fans may want to head on over to their favorite FAQ and emulator site and burn through this game in around four hours just to marvel at the madness that gamers of a bygone era (an era with no internet) were willing to put themselves through to finish a title of this magnitude in difficulty.  Maybe it will give you punks more respect for your father.  Actually, your father was probably one of the many pussies who ran to their mommies after about half an hour with this mind-jack of a game, begging to return it so they could play more Mario Bros.  -jr

Score: 8 Great