You know, if I had written this review a month ago when I first started playing Team Fortress 2, I would have not had too many positive things to say about this game.  I had almost written it off as a shallow online twitchfest reserved for those skill-less gamers who want nothing more from a game than a quickly moving pretty picture, requiring them only to hit keys and move mouse like an overclocked automaton, requiring little to no thought, and rewarding luck above all.  Well, I would have sounded like a damn idiot.

     Not to say that there isn’t a niche for even those barbaric cretins in this game.  With its robust roster of nine different classes, there is a place for any type of FPSer.  And with time, those types of gamers I denigrated above will transform into useful barbaric cretins that you’ll thank for having your back, rolling through checkpoints, defending checkpoints, and all things Team Fortress 2.  What I’m saying is, this game gives more pleasure the more you time you give it.  Some classes require more time to master though.  And some classes, moreso than others, are a greater hindrance to your team if someone is playing them poorly.  For instance, having a bad Soldier or Heavy on your team is a lot less of a detriment than having a bad Engineer or Medic.  Although having a semi-skilled Heavy or Soldier is a thousand fold better than having a n00b Heavy or Soldier.  Your skills, if you have any, will be appreciated.  And your detriments will be condemned.  Good thing exoneration is just a few hours away for the easier classes once a map is learned and some basic principles of how to operate are picked up.  Yes, this is a team game, but not in the same sense as Left 4 Dead.  You’ll very much be doing your own thing, and hopefully, doing it well.  But you’re all in it together.

     The basic premise in the most common gameplay modes is two teams of anywhere up to 36 players each, face off against each other, each starting on one side of the map, each with their own zone identical to the other players.  In Capture the Flag you infiltrate the enemies’ base and locate a hidden briefcase therein, (known as Intelligence) retrieve it and return it to the spot in your own base where your Intelligence is hidden.  The enemy tries to do the same.  In Control Point, you either race to capture all control points on the map or in Attack and Defend Control Point, you either try to capture all points or keep the enemy from doing so.  In pay load you push a mine cart from one side of the map while the enemy keeps you from doing just that.  And then there is arena, a free- for-all.  All these sound pretty basic, but the key to victory is a well orchestrated effort by a balance of all classes available, each one doing its job to the best of its ability.  Let’s get to it:

 

Demoman:  A hard drinkin’ Scottish trash talker who uses demolitions as either booby traps or assault bombs.  A fun class to play if you enjoy springing traps and blowing people, or machines, to bits.  I have a lot of respect for these guys as they are versatile at any range and they are the class that sends me to the grave the most when I’m the Pyro.  An expert Demo can do almost anything.

Engineer:  A good engineer is a good thing to have.  Knowing your maps is essential to this class as you will set up and repair different contraptions to assist or defend your teammates.  Sentry guns, health kit and equipment dispensers as well as teleporters are all yours to build, but you need to build them in the right spots at the right time.  Of course you have a shotgun if things get hairy up close.

Heavy: A big Russian lug with a gigantic mini gun, this guy is essential for providing suppressing fire over large open areas and fist fucking his way through checkpoints with a medic for support.  A lot of fun to play if you’re tired of playing a more cerebral class and your teammates will be grateful as a decent heavy is always nice to have around. 

Medic:  Nothing is as good as having a couple of crack medics on your team, and nothing is worse than having a couple of shitheads who aren’t around to heal or who don’t know when to activate a multiple Uber for a game winning push.  These guys heal and power up their comrades with invulnerability and crit hits.  Personally, I would never play one ‘cuz I’m a fighter, not a lover.

 

Pyro:  My personal favorite the Pyro is a faceless, maniacal wielder of flame.  Hiding around corners and igniting foes that pass by is a special thrill, or sometimes it’s fun to just say fuck it and rush a group of suckas, letting the residual damage of your flames reduce them to cinders or make it easier for your bros to wax them.  Also, the Pyro is a Spy-killer, being able to see them easier and light them up for all to see.  The Pyro is great for uber-pushes, ambushes and general harassment.  Also, there is nothing like surprising an enemy with the Pyros long range flare gun or finishing some burning fool off with an axe.

   

Scout: The Scout is another fave of mine.  Hyper fast and hard to hit because of it, the Scout is a double jumping speedball of shotgun carnage.  He also wields a bat with which to bash foes and has a deadly weapon that stuns an enemy for a moment, allowing you or others to finish the unlucky fool.  Scouts are best for infiltrating the enemy’s base and grabbing their flag or capturing control points.

Soldier: You need at least one of these guys around as their bazooka is the best for dropping annoying sentry guns and suppressing the enemy from afar.  Though nothing is more thrilling than using the rocket jump to propel yourself to a high point from where you rain explosive death upon your foes.  Also, people turn into meaty bite-sized bits when you nail them.  For close quarters, a shotgun is at hand.

Sniper:  I hate these guys.  While being mildly entertaining to play, nothing is worse than being singled out by a Sniper who knows the best vantage points on the map and has a steady aim.  Aiming through your scope charges your kill to max power, causing any headshot you dole out to be an instant kill.  Also, if cornered chuck a jar of piss to expose spies, douse fires or increase damage taken.  I know it’s weird.  It’s also weird that I don’t play this class much since ‘sniper’ would best describe how I play many other FPS’s.  I find him boring in a game that has so many fast paced thrills.  I love coming upon these fuckers while their faces are buried in their scopes and burning them alive.

Spy:  With his high learning curve, I wish I had what it took to be a Spy.  They can disguise themselves as any enemy class and turn invisible, shanking foes from behind for instant kills, then slinking off to send more unwary foes to the dirt.  Stand still for a second, distracted as the Pyro, and feel the bite, as you are the Spy’s worst enemy; he delights in the revenge.  Someday, I will be you Spy. Someday.

     So there’s the crew; pretty diverse, huh?  Also, by earning achievements and points, you will unlock more powerful items.  Like the Pyro’s Backburner flamethrower which does better damage when you hit enemies from behind, or the Scout’s Force A nature shotgun which is double barreled and fires faster.  All classes have three upgrade items.  These change occasionally, though, as true to form, Valve is always patching this game, adding new twists to the gameplay with different item upgrades and new maps.  Plus, the mod community is huge, and there are loads of maps out there, ranging from bizarre to ingenious.  Bizarre and ingenious could describe the art of this game, too.

     Cartoony art can serve to turn off some gamers, but in Team Fortress 2, the stylish characters and colorful architecture really serve the game well.  The characters are a snap to distinguish from one another and are rife with personality that lends itself to the game’s humour, which is also enriched with the great “Meet the” class introduction videos.  Taken from extrapolations of the voice actors auditions, these videos are hilarious snapshots into the lives of their respective personalities.  Check them out on Steam.

     Yes, it’s Valve, so you’ll need Steam to run this game.  In fact, to even play Team Fortress 2 you’ll need to be online and logged onto Steam.  If you don’t have broadband, don’t even bother with this game as there is no single player mode whatsoever.  It’s all multiplayer and that is where the majority of this game’s faults lie: in the people who play it.

     People are shit; shit even shittier than shit, don’tcha know?  When you’re a n00b you have to deal with people angry at you for not doing your job (this is a VERY competitive environment) and when you’re good, you have to deal with n00bs jacking your possible victory.  Then throw in all the complete moronic milieu of gamer civilization: ragers (must induce ragequit), sore losers, vendetta heads who instead of working for their team’s win will divert all of their energies into trying to get revenge on you, and of course, the voice chatter.  It sucks, because voicechatters, for some odd reason all have searingly annoying voices, and the real key to victory for many of the game modes is a coordinated effort.  Once you’re good enough, there is a lot of silent understanding, but having at least a couple vchatters really helps.  Add in people who play loud music, like to berate others verbally (or as I call them the small-cocked) and the annoying flirtatious couples because the guy’s a loser IRL and the girl’s an attention whore even though she’d never consider a relationship outside the one she’s currently in.  I may be revealing the fact that I am a bitter, hateful old man here who likes things quiet and polite, but that seems to be the way most everyone else likes it too, and thankfulfully, they are the majority.  It’s just that the ones who suck are more noticeable, and one awful thing in any situations resounds louder than all the good things.  Good things: You can vote to kick people, change maps and there are always plenty of maps and servers to try out.  Oh, and this game is just damn fun.

     It is dumb fun.  But skills are needed and the difference between a skilled user of any class and a non-skilled is instantly recognizable.  Also, it’s playable for hours or just minutes as you can jump in and out of games at will.  The replayability is insane thanks to Valve’s undying support of this title and the large group of modders out there.  At twenty clams it’s a steal.  A blistering multiplayer FPS that has a place for any personality.

-jr a.k.a. otokokun

SCORE: 8 great             Note:  The screenshots are mine as usual, but the character portraits and the wallpaper below are all public domain images taken off the web,